Bernard Spörk | Humble Correspondent

Cocoa Beach, FL—The oil spill that has leaked millions of gallons of crude into the Gulf of Mexico has reached the shores of Willy Wonka’s chocolate river, causing the world’s largest candy maker to take desperate measures in order to preserve its naturally flavored resource.

We’re not sure what this Oompa Loompa stepped in, but it’s definitely not chocolate

Due to the tight security surrounding Wonka’s Cocoa Beach compound, no one knows for sure how much of the chocolate river has been tainted. However, part-time scientists from nearby Brevard County College have confirmed that their Polaroid pictures show that Wonka’s crew of Oompa Loompas have been working around the clock to contain the oil leak.

“Oompa loompa doopity dee, if you are wise you’ll listen to me,” said one of Wonka’s top aides. “Why, after a month does the crude still leak? The oil company is slick and the president is a sneak. The pollution to our river has angered the chocolate king. Now he’s trying to decide whose balls to put in a sling.”

Wonka Candy Co. Vice President of Operations Chaz Bucket was less cryptic, yet equally forceful with his assessment of the situation. “Of course we’re angry about the damage being done to our river—it’s catastrophic,” Bucket said after a meeting with company shareholders. “It took us years to purify the chocolate river after the Augustus Gloop incident. Something has to be done now or the country’s chocolate supply is going to be destroyed…along with the ecosystem and stuff.”

In the 38 days since the Bleeding Petroleum (BP) drilling rig exploded, an estimated 20 million gallons of crude has spewed into the Gulf. The United States hasn’t seen this much wasted fuel since Chevy released its Humungous SUV in 2002. BP is quickly running out of ideas on how to stop the oil geyser after its latest attempt at plugging the leak with 6,500 tons of trash shipped in from New Jersey has failed.

Willy Wonka’s Everlasting Gobstopper has a new flavor: Hope

With the threat of Wonka’s chocolate river going dark, Bucket has decided to release the secret formula for the Everlasting Gopstopper to the federal government. Since the candy is purported to last forever, Bucket feels it would be the ideal tool to halt the gusher. “The Gobstoppers can withstand any pressure and will not dissolve or crack,” Bucket promised. “Even a big mouth like Interior Secretary Ken Salazar wouldn’t be able to break it.”

Added Bucket, “I told President Obama that he could have the secret formula as long it’s not leaked to our rival, that ‘everlasting nobgobbler’ Arthur Slugworth.”

Bernard Spörk | Humble Correspondent

FRANKLIN, TN—For the past 17 years, Nissan Motors has had the distinction of being the official car maker of the world’s most dangerous terrorist organization. But now, a pair of failed car bombings has forced Al-addin to end their partnership with the Japanese automobile company.

Al-addin operatives have been forced to find alternative transportation options

“It has become readily apparent that Nissan is not up to the task of helping us break the backs of those mangy infidel dogs,” Al-addin commander Heiz A’doosh said on an audio tape, aired on the Jeerzancheerza Arab television network. “Because of their flawed machines, a couple of our brothers are sleeping in jail cells with big black men, instead of in heaven with virgins.”

On May 3, Al-addin operative Faisal Shahzad was arrested after his explosives-packed 1993 Nissan Pathfinder failed to detonate in New York City’s Times Square. And just two days ago, fellow “freedom fighter” Ailuv Bigh Bewteez was caught with his pants down before he could attack another “Big Apple” attraction, Score’s Gentleman’s Club. Bigh Bewteez’s 2009 Nissan Maxima didn’t explode despite being loaded with dynamite, propane, and a case of jarred farts.

A Lego artist's rendering of terroist Heiz A'doosh shows how angry he is over the failed bombings

A’doosh blames Nissan’s “faulty engineering” for the botched bombings that have stalled their plans for world domination. “Our automothing experts have thoroughly inspected our fleet of Nissans and they’ve concluded that the climate control functions are out of whack,” A’doosh said. “The air conditioner compressor seems to kick on every time we try to ignite the explosives. As a result, the conditioned air cools the wires and diffuses the bomb—quite tragic, really.”

Nissan North America spokesman Ronald R. Heller believes the root of the problem is Al-addin’s defective weapons, not Nissan’s cars. Speaking to reporters on the steps of his company’s headquarters, Heller claimed that Al-addin’s leaders are distorting the truth because they are too embarrassed to admit that their organization is out of money.

“Al-addin is dead broke—they’re tapped. Last month, they tried to pay us in camels and sheep,” said Heller. [A’doosh] can blame our cars, but the fact of the matter is that all of our models are rated very highly in Consumer Reports. He would know this if he read something other than the Qur’an.”

Added Heller, “I’d like to say we’ll have our day in court, but we all know that
Al-addin doesn’t believe in the rule of law. I sincerely hope they decide to start driving Toyotas. Now there’s a car that is guaranteed to blow up.”

“I’ve been having  long, long, sometimes heated negotiations with Antonio Villaraigosa (Mayor of Los Angeles),” said Nutter in a special press conference yesterday, “and after over 20 hours of talks, we have been able to work out a trade to bring the biggest crack addict to Philadelphia.”

The room erupts with cheers after Nutter announces his most recent acquistion for the city of Philadelphia

The press room was filled with applause, knowing that Mayor Nutter had done the impossible; “Yes,” he stated to an elated press room, “I have brought ‘Baby Shoes Galaxia’ to Philadelphia!”

Unless you have been living in a cave for the past fifteen years, Baby Shoes Galaxia is arguably the most popular, most skilled, and most sought-after crack addict in the country. “He is crack personified,” Nutter added. “No, no, he isn’t just ‘crack,’ he is bigger than crack; he is Baby Shoes Galaxia!”

In some circles, Baby Shoes is bigger than David Beckham, Kobe Bryant, Tiger Woods, Alex Rodriguez, and Sidney Crosby combined. It was a trade that Mayor John F. Street never came close to making, and was the number one cause for the drop in Mayor Rendell’s approval rating and subsequent resignation. In order to make such a trade, Nutter must have made some pretty large sacrifices, right?

“To be honest,” said Nutter, “It wasn’t too bad. We gave up ‘Yo-Yo Yams’ over on Samson Street, ‘Smeadley Jenkins,’ who works the Popeye’s Chicken on Ogontz Ave, and three future crack-heads currently in our farm system. They have yet to be addicted, but really, those kids don’t stand a chance. And I know Smeadley Jenkins is a fan-favorite, but if you look at the numbers, he just hasn’t been producing.”

A move as large and anticipated as this must be handled delicately. “It’s important to start Baby Shoes off slowly,” explained Nutter. “We can’t just put him smack dab in the middle of Independence Hall. He has to adjust first. For instance, he is not used to dealing with winter conditions, so we are going to modify his patented 8-Ball jacket with a winter liner, and start him in North Philadelphia, where the crack is plentiful. I’m thinking about putting him in front of the Crown Royal Chicken on Broad Street, between the Crown Royal Chicken and the Crown Royal Chicken.”

No matter where Baby Shoes Galaxia is placed, fans are chomping at the bit to see him in action. Not only will this unprecedented trade bring new commerce to the city, it has also cemented Nutter in the Mayoral History Books. “It’s win-win-win,” said Nutter in closing, “The city wins with new revenue, the people win with a new attraction, and I win my place in the hearts of the citizens of this great city.”

An artists' rendering of Galaxia's 8-ball jacket after modifications

“We can’t lie to the public anymore,” said NBC executive John Starling about the show which features contestants such as Brett Michaels, Cyndi Lauper, Sharon Osbourne, and Rob Blagojevich. “Let’s face it: these people are not celebrities; they’re punch-lines, has-beens, phonies, idiots, drug addicts, and most likely all have at least one STD.”

 Starling did consider a massive overhaul of the title, one of the possible titles being, “A Pathetic Attempt to Reclaim Former Fame,” but was advised by the NBC President that it would be too costly in new ad revenue.

 “Plus,” Starling stated, “I think people used to actually watch ‘The Apprentice,’ so maybe we can still get some viewers off of the name itself.”

 The new promotional campaign, which is more cost-effective, will encourage viewers to verbally discuss the show with others using “air quotes” around the water cooler. For example, one viewer could tell his friends, “Hey, I saw ‘Celebrity’ Apprentice last night, and Brett Michaels, the ‘Rock God,’ had a ‘brilliant’ idea…”

 If viewers of the show take it upon themselves to use “air quotes” through word of mouth, NBC may finally have a “hit show” again

Renowned Astroturfphysicist Stephen Hawking doesn’t think it’s a good idea. In fact, Hawking believes that you should steer clear of any extraterrestrials, even if they were to offer you eternal life—or even a piece of candy—just to come aboard their ship.

Hawking had these women strip-searched just to make sure they weren't packing any extraterrestrials.

Speaking at the premiere party for his Discovery Channel documentary series, the British scientist suggested that the human race could be destroyed by interacting with alien lifeforms.

“If aliens ever visit us, I think the outcome would be much as when Christopher Columbus first landed in America, which didn’t turn out very well for the Injuns,” Hawking said via his Speak & Spell. “Such advanced aliens would want to conquer our planet—first, they fornicate and then they eradicate.”

Of course this is just one man’s opinion. Sure, this one man happens be a scientific genius, but he’s not perfect. In 1992, Hawking wrongly predicted that Crystal Pepsi would overtake Tang as NASA’s drink of choice. And who could forget last year, when Hawking was found guilty of trademark infringement for stealing the title of his “Up in the Black Hole” college lecture tour from the Ebony Humpers porn franchise.

Still, we’re curious to know how many humans would befriend a creature from outer space. Here’s what four random people had to say.

Mike Shuler, 43, single father

“Hell no! We’ve got way too many illegal aliens running across our borders as it is. At least the Mexicans are willing to wash our cars and mow our lawns for dirt cheap. It sounds like these other fellas are going to drive a hard bargain.”

Samantha Newark, 21, majoring in Canadian Studies

 “I consider myself pretty open-minded, but I don’t think I could be friends with an alien…maybe Facebook friends. I may also give it my number if I saw one out at a bar. I wouldn’t want to be mean to its face…probably wouldn’t call it back, though.”

Maurice Johnson, 62, Sagittarius

 “I guess so. I feel sorry for them. I mean, think about it: How barren must their planet be if they’re coming to this shitbox? Maybe smog and pollution are hot commodities in their galaxy.”

Edie Tiggs, 55, organ donor

“Sure, as long as us natives are given casinos if and when they decide to steal our land.”

What you learn today could save you some damages later.

Brick

Furious Kelly | Vondrook List Writer

Plastic Bag: Now, I know what you’re thinking, “But my toddler can have endless amounts of fun with this one, seemingly inexpensive item.” Wrong! Plastic bags are one of the leading causes of pollution in the world. Your child’s plaything is actually hurting the environment. You like the environment, don’t ya? That’s what I thought.

Rocks: You know the old expression, “Give a kid some rocks and you’ll entertain him for a day. Teach him to throw a rock and you’ll also entertain him for a day.” Well I’m tired of seeing my lawn covered with uprooted rocks and the holes from whence they came. Switch to bricks. Bricks are cheap and easy to find, and they look great on the lawn or through a car window. Trust me, your wife will thank you. She better.

Homeless Men: While providing classic entertainment for children of all ages, the homeless usually require some money which they will inevitably spend on hooch. I say you track down that rogue neighborhood dog, Foamy, and give the kiddies some fun with him for a while. They can go on a treasure hunt.

Daddy’s New Girlfriend: While this may seem sweet, girlfriends are not toys for children. It only leads to attachment and eventually bitter resentment when you have to replace her with a younger model. It may be hard, but you must be firm about this. When Candy comes over the kiddies go play in the street for a while. And this brings us to number five.

The Street: Don’t ever let your kids play in the street. They could get hit by a car. And then you might be on the hook for some damages. And how are you going to explain the brick through this guy’s windshield? Maybe we don’t have to explain. Maybe he never was on this street. Kids, you take your brother to the hospital, daddy has some work to do. Lots of work.

Toys: Daddy, daddy, I want, I want. Look man, if you buy just one toy, you just set a precedent. Now you’re on the line to buy more and more. Those kids? They don’t care where you get the toys from, just fucking get it. Now you’re giving handies for two GI Joes and a Little Miss Princess. Just like any heroin addiction, it’s best not to start. Bricks are cheap.

Books: But hey, I thought we were talking about toys? We are. But I wanna share with you the dangers of books in the hands of children. Have you read every book in the world? No? So you don’t know what’s in there. Books carry ideas. Sometimes dangerous ideas. Today it’s Mr. Duck Throws a Brick, tomorrow it’s the Anarchist’s Cookbook. And that’s how the liberals get ya. So if you see your kid with a book, you beat him senseless. That’ll learn ‘em. That’ll learn ‘em all.

Power Tools: Kids love power tools. They all do. They love building and laughing and drilling and power sawing and well, you get the picture. But suddenly the wife’s missing, there’s a giant monstrosity of wood and metal that looks like a canon in the back yard, and you’re on the hooks again for some more damages. Don’t fall into this trap. Power tools are out.

Computers: While the modern computer offers a host of amenities for kiddies of all sorts, you should know it can come at a price. What’s that Billy? You ordered a car online with my credit card?  Well, you’re gonna be out of school for a few weeks nursing some learnings. It could happen to you. Be safe, go online with your kids or go online as your kids to see who they’re talking to.

Guns: What are you crazy? Someone could get hurt! Get your head out of your ass. You disgust me.

“It be bullshit,” said Derrick Thomas, a 6 year crack addict and frequent subway sleeper, “what’s my crack truck doin’ selling ice cream?” Thomas heard the truck coming around the corner late Monday afternoon and got together all of the pennies and bottle caps he could find. “I put down all my money and a loosey and ordered me a couple rocks, and the guy is like, ‘Rocks? I never heard of no Rocks. How about a snowball?’ I was like, ‘alright, but I’ll snowball you for 5 rocks, not 3.’”

Ice Cream? These trucks sell ice cream now??

It’s true. As part of Mayor Michael Nutter’s plan to clean up the drug-laden streets, task forces have been appointed to stop dealers in their tracks.

“Police have been, haha, cracking down on dealers starting in North Philadelphia,” said Mayor Nutter. “If you can believe it, these trucks didn’t always deliver crack to our children.”

Skeptics are not so sure. “Are you trying to tell me,” said Brenda Gavant, an 11 year old who attends North Philadelphia Girls School, “that there are trucks that actually drive around the neighborhood and sell ice cream? Yeah, right!”

Mayor Nutter hopes that the newly revamped ice cream trucks will create jobs and give the area neighborhoods a more homely feel to them. “The metal grates stay on the windows,” he said. “At least for a little while, but hopefully they will come off by next year.”

“It’s an interesting job,” said newly employed ice cream truck driver Floyd Bronson, who started working the 17^th street block last Tuesday. “At first it was nothing but crack heads coming up to the truck, but now I get at least 1 kid customer for every 6 crack heads.”

If these numbers are accurate and increasing, it won’t be long before other cities adopt Nutter’s idea. Crack heads are on their heels.

Lloyd Blankfein upon hearing the President's proposal

Furious Kelly | Vondrook Contributor

Lloyd Blankfein showed up early this morning in Washington wearing a well-pressed suite and a new tie. Congress had ordered Blankfein to appear before them to be repeatedly kicked in the groin for the pain and misery his company has cause this country.

Barak Obama first proposed the idea after congress rejected his financial overhaul bill that would have made such gross abuses of the financial market all but impossible, saying, “Well, why don’t we just kick him in the nuts?” The suggestion soon became the fastest piece of legislation ever to go through both the House and Senate.

Barney Longfellow, a Democratic Representative of Rhode Island made a statement this morning, “We the American people will not be satisfied until Mr. Lloyd Blankfein and his cronies have received at least several crushing blows to the testicles. We expect that as Mr. Blankfein is doubled over in the worst pain imaginable, wishing he were dead, that he will then have learned his lesson.”

Public support for this action has been overwhelmingly positive. “I was saying it all along that we should have been blasting these guys in the nuts,” says local business owner Terry Boyle. “I wish I could be there to send my knee into his tiny, shriveled old-man balls. It would really put a smile on my face and the faces of my family to watch his reaction.”

The proceedings will be as follows: Blankfein will arrive at congress at 9:30. He will be introduced to the President, the Vice President, and First Lady. He will then be brought out onto the floor of congress where David Akers, Pro-Bowl Kicker for the Philadelphia Eagles will shake his hand. Lloyd Blankfein will then be held by two members of congress while Akers brutally knees and kicks him in the balls with machine-like proficiency until the president says stop. Blankfein will then be left on the floor where C-SPAN will dryly re-cap the events that have taken place.

Mt. Jibba-Jabba-Jooboo, causing all sorts of reckless shit. The volcano may be forced to lessen its pollution by 1.8% every year for the next ten years if Obama signs the proposed C.R.A.P. bill.

“Of all the weeks for Earth to pull this shit,” said Steven Hills, president of the Center for Reasonable and Appreciated Politics, or C.R.A.P for short. “Earth couldn’t have waited just another week or something, it just couldn’t! I mean, hel-lo! We’re trying to have an ‘Earth Day’ here!”

It’s true. More than two dozen protesters traveled by boat to the coast of Iceland in order to shout their disapproval at the active volcano, named Eyjafjallajokull, or Jibba-Jabba-Jooboo to us Americans.

“We can’t even get on a diesel powered plane to protest this, since [Jibba-Jabba-Jooboo] is spewing out all the ash into the atmosphere, polluting the hell out of it,” said Debbie Pollack, a 42 year old account and frequent viewer of the Today Show. “What a gluttonous Earth we have.”

Millions of tons of ash has been shot miles high into the atmosphere, disrupting airline travel across Europe for days on end. Protesters have gotten slightly tired over the 10-day boat trip, but are trying to stay vigilant. “Whenever I think that maybe we should be focusing on things like illegal pesticides or fossil fuel pollutants,” said Steven Hills, “I think about the thousand of tons of sulfur dioxide, hydrogen sulfide, carbon monoxide, hydrogen chloride and hydrogen fluoride being sent into our air, choking us. It’s ridiculous!”

The biggest move the Center for Reasonable and Appreciated Politics hopes to achieve is a bill proposed to President Obama to stop volcanic activities by 18% over the next 10 years. “I polished off the letter and sent it to my local congressman before we left off the coast of Newfoundland on Tuesday,” said Hill. “Maybe our protesting will help raise volcano awareness.”

When asked how exactly the Center for Reasonable and Appreciated Politics is going to protest a volcano, Hills fell short on a definite answer. “Ya know,” he said with his head cocked to the side, “I never gave that much thought. I just got so keyed up when I saw the pollution on television, I just felt like I had to protest it.”

At the time of this article being published, there were rumors that upon reaching the shore of Iceland, members of C.R.A.P will stand at a safe distance and shake their fists.

Bernard Spörk | Humble Correspondent

PERTH AMBOY, NJ—Students at John Francis Bongiovi Elementary School learned a very expensive lesson when Governor Chris Christie paid them a visit on Friday. Christie used the question-and-answer session with Miss Albadato’s second grade class to outline his newest plan to raise revenue for the ailing state economy.

Under Christie’s new initiative, called “A-B-C You Help Me,” students will be forced to pay $4 a day to ride the bus or 50 cents per hour to park their bike. Once they arrive at school, every boy and girl can expect to pay an additional $2 for bathroom breaks (the price doubles if there is an “accident” in the classroom) and another $5 per recess session.

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie fields questions from Miss Albadato’s second grade class. Among his answers: green is his favorite color and pork is his favorite food.

 “Okay kids, tell your mommies and daddies that they need to vote for the ‘A-B-C You Help Me’ bill or they’re going to see a 1-2-3…10 percent property tax increase,” Christie told the class. “Do you know what that means? That means your ol’ Uncle Chris has them by the balls…no, Jimmy I’m not talking about baseballs.”

The governor admits that his proposed legislation is unconventional and “most likely” unconstitutional, but absolutely necessary if he has any chance of balancing the budget. “Look, I don’t think my plan is that out of the ordinary if you really break it down,” Christie said. “How many adults in this great state have to pay public transportation for work or for parking? A lot. What’s good for adults is good for their kids.”

Added Christie, “As far as recess goes—most adults pay a fee to exercise at a gym, so what’s the beef? Technically, the playground is like a gym to the kids who still know how to run around. Most of them prefer an Xbox over a sandbox anyway.”

Christie claims that his daughter (shown here) would be subject to the same charges if she attended public school. Currently, she is enrolled in a prestigious private school.

Also included in the bill is a $100 cafeteria seating license, which the governor claims will give every student a place at a lunch table. “This one-time fee ensures that no student will ever be left behind in the lunch line,” Christie promised. “Our classrooms may be overcrowded, but our cafeterias won’t suffer the same fate—lunch means that much to me.”

After demanding teachers freeze their wages and contribute toward their health benefits, Christie feels it’s only fair to ask students to make some sacrifices of their own. New Jersey faces an $11 billion deficit and Christie believes he can close the gap with his new bill. In addition, he plans to keep “trimming the fat” from public schools, which includes cutting “wasteful” after-school programs like tutoring and sports.