Category Archives: National News
Goldman Sachs’ CEO Reports to Congress to be Kicked in the Nuts
Lloyd Blankfein showed up early this morning in Washington wearing a well-pressed suite and a new tie. Congress had ordered Blankfein to appear before them to be repeatedly kicked in the nuts until they are satisfied that he is sorry for the pain and misery his company has cause this country. Continue reading
Filed under Global Stuff, High Comedy, Local News, National News
The Burning Question
How freakin’ awesome is the new KFC Double Down sandwich?
“Orgasmic!” This, according to test marketing results in Omaha, Nebraska. These lucky folks had the pleasure of sampling the Double Down along with a buttery beverage called the Margarinita. We can’t vouch for the latter, however, there’s something magical about a sandwich that replaces the traditional bun with two hunks of fried chicken and is stuffed with bacon, melted cheese, and the Colonel’s secret sauce. Continue reading
Filed under High Comedy, National News, Survey
Final Four Preview
Unless you live under a rock or sleep under a bridge (like the gentlemen you’re about to meet), you know that the nation’s most prominent sporting event is taking place this weekend: The NCAA Final Four. Continue reading
Filed under High Comedy, National News
Nike Unveils New Shoe
In what is being called a “frightening” combination of innovation and ingenuity, Nike has developed a technology that replicates human tissue and muscle. DNA is extracted from a human and then blended with a synthetic strengthening material. Once the outer shell is complete, an ultra-light form-fitting inner sole is added inside the shoe. The end product is something that Lessinger says would “make Victor Frankenstein cream in his pants.” Continue reading
Filed under High Comedy, National News
St.Patrick’s Day Mystery
You may be wondering why you don’t see the little people on St. Patrick’s Day. And it seems that there are fewer and fewer wee people around on that day with each passing year. Well, if you listen closely on St. Patrick’s Day eve, you’ll hear the pitter patter of little feet as the little folk scamper for their very lives to safety.
Filed under Global Stuff, High Comedy, National News
Black History Month
Truthfully, I just dropped by because I love the little snack biscuits they always set out for all the Negro conferences. Continue reading
Filed under National News
Men Not Getting Any Affirmative Action
PORTLAND, OR—Like the explorers named for their college, male students at Lewis & Clark College are on a voyage of their own: to find out what happened to all the dudes.
“Don’t get me wrong, I love the fact that this place is overflowing with primo poon, but I wouldn’t mind seeing more bros,” said Brent Smilac, a senior from nearby Edilgortsa, OR. “Where my dogs at? Rruuuuff!”
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Filed under High Comedy, Local News, National News
City Adds New Gun Laws and Gun Programs
The program is titled, “Bullets for Guns,” and is executed exactly how it sounds: Gun-owners, no matter how they have acquired them, can hand over their guns in exchange for a hand full of bullets.
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Filed under National News
What Women Want
scientists may have discovered what it is that women actually want from men. And the century old nightmare of incessant yammering and screeching just might be over. Continue reading
Filed under Global Stuff, High Comedy, National News
