Category Archives: Local News
Mayor Nutter Does The Impossible!
“He is crack personified,” Nutter added. “No, no, he isn’t just ‘crack,’ he is bigger than crack; he is Baby Shoes Galaxia!”
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Filed under Local News
Goldman Sachs’ CEO Reports to Congress to be Kicked in the Nuts
Lloyd Blankfein showed up early this morning in Washington wearing a well-pressed suite and a new tie. Congress had ordered Blankfein to appear before them to be repeatedly kicked in the nuts until they are satisfied that he is sorry for the pain and misery his company has cause this country. Continue reading
Filed under Global Stuff, High Comedy, Local News, National News
New Jersey Looking to Raise Revenue
PERTH AMBOY, NJ—Students at John Francis Bongiovi Elementary School learned a very expensive lesson when Governor Chris Christie paid them a visit on Friday. Christie used the question-and-answer session with Miss Albadato’s second-grade class to outline his newest plan to raise revenue for the ailing state economy. Continue reading
Filed under High Comedy, Local News
Old Man Winter Not Ready for Spring
STATE COLLEGE, PA—AccuWeather meteorologists confirmed Friday that frostbitten citizens living along the I-95 corridor can finally hang up their snow boots and lace up their Pumas, or whatever brand of athletic shoes the cool kids are wearing these days. Continue reading
Filed under High Comedy, Local News
Dealing With Dog Poop
HOUSTON—City officials are stepping up efforts to stop people from having to step in dog feces, and one local resident thinks his web site will inspire dog owners to use their pooper scoopers. Continue reading
Filed under High Comedy, Local News
Teabagging Gone Wild
“I had no idea what those cops were talking about. I thought I was doing my civic duty,” said Chris Lemont Continue reading
Filed under Global Stuff, High Comedy, Local News
Men Not Getting Any Affirmative Action
PORTLAND, OR—Like the explorers named for their college, male students at Lewis & Clark College are on a voyage of their own: to find out what happened to all the dudes.
“Don’t get me wrong, I love the fact that this place is overflowing with primo poon, but I wouldn’t mind seeing more bros,” said Brent Smilac, a senior from nearby Edilgortsa, OR. “Where my dogs at? Rruuuuff!”
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Filed under High Comedy, Local News, National News
Sex Sells, But Nobody’s Buying
As the economy continues to sag, many perverts are being forced to diversify their pornfolios in order to have any chance at a happy ending. Continue reading
Filed under High Comedy, Local News
BIGGIE SMALLS STILL ALIVE
Finished with the rap industry, rumor has it that for years, Biggie Smalls had been racking his brain in search for the perfect way to re-enter the business. With his only two other options being VH1’s Celebrity Fit Club, and Dancing with the Stars, hope was almost gone…. Continue reading
Filed under Dead Celebrity Gossip, Global Stuff, Local News, National News, Rumor Mill
VHS Accuses DVD of Genocide, Cover Up
“We were relegated to a few isles in the back of Best Buy and Target with the work out videos and high-end pornography. We were told it would be temporary. I was forced to wear a bright orange mark on my cover, we all did. They said we were clearance. We didn’t know.” – VHS double pack.
Filed under Editorial, Global Stuff, High Comedy, Local News, National News
