Category Archives: Editorial
I’ve Only Died of Alcohol Poisoning Once
I was mixing alcohol; that was the problem. If I had just stuck to beer instead of accommodating it with whiskey, vodka, gin, and tequila, nothing bad would ever have happened. I learned my lesson. You’re preaching to the choir now. Everyone can just get off my back, please.
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Filed under Editorial
April Fooling
I couldn’t help but notice that you spoke of your friend “Kelly,” and then proceeded to use the pronouns “he” and “him.” So, either this guy’s parents were pretentious and uncaring, or you’re at fault. Did you make typos? Continue reading
Filed under Editorial
How to get a job
First, we have the eye contact. Everybody is giving decent eye contact nowadays. Stand out! Open your eyes as wide as you can and lean forward the whole time, staring into the interviewer’s face. Continue reading
Filed under Editorial
Sarah Palin Critisizes Herself for Trig Remark
“I would just like apologize for my outburst after Trig had rubbed chocolate cake into the carpet was completely unwelcome. I should have known better, he sure didn’t.”
-Sarah Palin Continue reading
Filed under Editorial, High Comedy, Rumor Mill
Sex Machine Confessionals
Hey baby, listen: We have to get some things straight here; I’m not a human. I’m a machine. A sex machine, and I don’t have the ears a human male can provide. I can’t put my arms around you and tell you everything is going to be alright. Continue reading
Filed under Editorial, High Comedy
Brett Favre To Announce Retirement, We’re Not Buying It.
There is no way Farve will be able to satiate the giant egotistical monster that lives inside of his own mind, driving him mad with fevered delusions like the creature Gollum in Lord of The Rings
Filed under Editorial, Global Stuff, National News, Rumor Mill
Obama Hates on Retards
“I am just overwhelmed,” claimed Beck as he dipped his tongue in a jar of grape jelly. He later pulled out his blackboard and drew a picture of a house with some grass and oversized windows, but there was no orange sun.
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Filed under Editorial, Global Stuff, High Comedy, National News, Rumor Mill
VHS Accuses DVD of Genocide, Cover Up
“We were relegated to a few isles in the back of Best Buy and Target with the work out videos and high-end pornography. We were told it would be temporary. I was forced to wear a bright orange mark on my cover, we all did. They said we were clearance. We didn’t know.” – VHS double pack.
Filed under Editorial, Global Stuff, High Comedy, Local News, National News
Hey Mickey, You Blew My Mind
“So, I did an extreme close up of a rat’s eye, threw in a pipe organ played by a blind midget, spliced it with howling dogs, and let the camera roll for four and a half hours. The children get to make their own movie.”
- David Lynch Continue reading
Filed under Editorial, Global Stuff, High Comedy, Local News, Rumor Mill
