Terrorist Group Severs Ties with Nissan

Wants a more reliable car for their missions

Bernard Spörk | Humble Correspondent

FRANKLIN, TN—For the past 17 years, Nissan Motors has had the distinction of being the official car maker of the world’s most dangerous terrorist organization. But now, a pair of failed car bombings has forced Al-addin to end their partnership with the Japanese automobile company.

Al-addin operatives have been forced to find alternative transportation options

“It has become readily apparent that Nissan is not up to the task of helping us break the backs of those mangy infidel dogs,” Al-addin commander Heiz A’doosh said on an audio tape, aired on the Jeerzancheerza Arab television network. “Because of their flawed machines, a couple of our brothers are sleeping in jail cells with big black men, instead of in heaven with virgins.”

On May 3, Al-addin operative Faisal Shahzad was arrested after his explosives-packed 1993 Nissan Pathfinder failed to detonate in New York City’s Times Square. And just two days ago, fellow “freedom fighter” Ailuv Bigh Bewteez was caught with his pants down before he could attack another “Big Apple” attraction, Score’s Gentleman’s Club. Bigh Bewteez’s 2009 Nissan Maxima didn’t explode despite being loaded with dynamite, propane, and a case of jarred farts.

A Lego artist's rendering of terroist Heiz A'doosh shows how angry he is over the failed bombings

A’doosh blames Nissan’s “faulty engineering” for the botched bombings that have stalled their plans for world domination. “Our automothing experts have thoroughly inspected our fleet of Nissans and they’ve concluded that the climate control functions are out of whack,” A’doosh said. “The air conditioner compressor seems to kick on every time we try to ignite the explosives. As a result, the conditioned air cools the wires and diffuses the bomb—quite tragic, really.”

Nissan North America spokesman Ronald R. Heller believes the root of the problem is Al-addin’s defective weapons, not Nissan’s cars. Speaking to reporters on the steps of his company’s headquarters, Heller claimed that Al-addin’s leaders are distorting the truth because they are too embarrassed to admit that their organization is out of money.

“Al-addin is dead broke—they’re tapped. Last month, they tried to pay us in camels and sheep,” said Heller. [A’doosh] can blame our cars, but the fact of the matter is that all of our models are rated very highly in Consumer Reports. He would know this if he read something other than the Qur’an.”

Added Heller, “I’d like to say we’ll have our day in court, but we all know that
Al-addin doesn’t believe in the rule of law. I sincerely hope they decide to start driving Toyotas. Now there’s a car that is guaranteed to blow up.”