What you learn today could save you some damages later.
Brick
Furious Kelly | Vondrook List Writer
Plastic Bag: Now, I know what you’re thinking, “But my toddler can have endless amounts of fun with this one, seemingly inexpensive item.” Wrong! Plastic bags are one of the leading causes of pollution in the world. Your child’s plaything is actually hurting the environment. You like the environment, don’t ya? That’s what I thought.
Rocks: You know the old expression, “Give a kid some rocks and you’ll entertain him for a day. Teach him to throw a rock and you’ll also entertain him for a day.” Well I’m tired of seeing my lawn covered with uprooted rocks and the holes from whence they came. Switch to bricks. Bricks are cheap and easy to find, and they look great on the lawn or through a car window. Trust me, your wife will thank you. She better.
Homeless Men: While providing classic entertainment for children of all ages, the homeless usually require some money which they will inevitably spend on hooch. I say you track down that rogue neighborhood dog, Foamy, and give the kiddies some fun with him for a while. They can go on a treasure hunt.
Daddy’s New Girlfriend: While this may seem sweet, girlfriends are not toys for children. It only leads to attachment and eventually bitter resentment when you have to replace her with a younger model. It may be hard, but you must be firm about this. When Candy comes over the kiddies go play in the street for a while. And this brings us to number five.
The Street: Don’t ever let your kids play in the street. They could get hit by a car. And then you might be on the hook for some damages. And how are you going to explain the brick through this guy’s windshield? Maybe we don’t have to explain. Maybe he never was on this street. Kids, you take your brother to the hospital, daddy has some work to do. Lots of work.
Toys: Daddy, daddy, I want, I want. Look man, if you buy just one toy, you just set a precedent. Now you’re on the line to buy more and more. Those kids? They don’t care where you get the toys from, just fucking get it. Now you’re giving handies for two GI Joes and a Little Miss Princess. Just like any heroin addiction, it’s best not to start. Bricks are cheap.
Books: But hey, I thought we were talking about toys? We are. But I wanna share with you the dangers of books in the hands of children. Have you read every book in the world? No? So you don’t know what’s in there. Books carry ideas. Sometimes dangerous ideas. Today it’s Mr. Duck Throws a Brick, tomorrow it’s the Anarchist’s Cookbook. And that’s how the liberals get ya. So if you see your kid with a book, you beat him senseless. That’ll learn ‘em. That’ll learn ‘em all.
Power Tools: Kids love power tools. They all do. They love building and laughing and drilling and power sawing and well, you get the picture. But suddenly the wife’s missing, there’s a giant monstrosity of wood and metal that looks like a canon in the back yard, and you’re on the hooks again for some more damages. Don’t fall into this trap. Power tools are out.
Computers: While the modern computer offers a host of amenities for kiddies of all sorts, you should know it can come at a price. What’s that Billy? You ordered a car online with my credit card? Well, you’re gonna be out of school for a few weeks nursing some learnings. It could happen to you. Be safe, go online with your kids or go online as your kids to see who they’re talking to.
Guns: What are you crazy? Someone could get hurt! Get your head out of your ass. You disgust me.
