Monthly Archives: April 2010
The Burning Question
Could you be friends with an alien?
Renowned Astroturfphysicist Stephen Hawking doesn’t think it’s a good idea. In fact, Hawking believes that you should steer clear of any extraterrestrials, even if they were to offer you eternal life—or even a piece of candy—just to come aboard their ship.
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Filed under Global Stuff, Survey
Inner City Ice Cream Truck Actually Sells Ice Cream, Cones
Philadelphia, PA—Crack-heads surrounding North Philadelphia’s Diamond Street were terribly dismayed yesterday after discovering that their usual ice cream truck full of crack was actually selling ice cream. “It be bullshit,” said Derrick Thomas, a 6 year crack addict and frequent … Continue reading
Filed under High Comedy
Goldman Sachs’ CEO Reports to Congress to be Kicked in the Nuts
Lloyd Blankfein showed up early this morning in Washington wearing a well-pressed suite and a new tie. Congress had ordered Blankfein to appear before them to be repeatedly kicked in the nuts until they are satisfied that he is sorry for the pain and misery his company has cause this country. Continue reading
Filed under Global Stuff, High Comedy, Local News, National News
Green Liberals Protest Volcano
ICELAND- The members of the Center for Reasonable and Appreciated Politics traveled to Iceland last week to protest the active volcano which began erupting on April 15. “Of all the weeks for Earth to pull this shit,” said Steven Hills, … Continue reading
Filed under Global Stuff
New Jersey Looking to Raise Revenue
PERTH AMBOY, NJ—Students at John Francis Bongiovi Elementary School learned a very expensive lesson when Governor Chris Christie paid them a visit on Friday. Christie used the question-and-answer session with Miss Albadato’s second-grade class to outline his newest plan to raise revenue for the ailing state economy. Continue reading
Filed under High Comedy, Local News
Laxative-Laced Coke Is The Shit!
“There was definitely coke in there but it was more like laxatives with a touch of blow instead of the other way around which is how it should be.” Continue reading
Filed under High Comedy
Where The Hell Have You Been?
Every so often, a movie is released that transcends the silver screen and causes such a stir that your genitals tingle. For many people in 1985, that film was Rocky IV. Sure, this wasn’t the first time movie-goers witnessed Rocky Balboa overcome impossible odds to beat an indomitable opponent. However, no one could’ve expected the “Italian Stallion” to single-handedly end the Cold War with his post-fight, punch-drunken “We can change” speech. Eat your dead, crusty heart out, Ronald Reagan. Continue reading
Filed under High Comedy, Interview
Greyhound Now Making Stops In Funkytown
“If you’re not buying a ticket, we can’t tell you where it is, but let me just say, it ain’t in Texas.”
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Filed under High Comedy
How To Defend Againt Criminals
Leave nothing standing in your quest for home and neighborhood protection against criminals, ninjas, robots, zombies, zombie ninjas, robot ninjas, democrats, hippies, and anything else you don’t like or understand. Continue reading
Filed under top ten lists
