Bernard Spörk–humble correspondent
LAS VEGAS— Former heavyweight boxing champion Mike Tyson, who bit off a piece of Evander Holyfield’s ear during a match and once threatened to eat the children of Lennox Lewis, has set his teeth on another familiar opponent: Former Nintendo rival, Little Mac. The Punch-Out!! rematch is slated to take place on February 31 at the Tecmo Casino and Hotel.
“I really want a Big Mac, but I’d also take a slice of Little Mac’s ass if you know what I mean,” stated Tyson. Actually, those in attendance for the press conference hyping the fight had no idea what he was talking about. “I truly believe that had I never been cheated, the voices in my head wouldn’t have felt the need to speak up and cause me to act unsavory all these years,” Tyson continued.
Above: Tyson lets the waitress know how many plates of ribs to bring him during the press conference luncheon
Tyson (50-6, 44 KOs, 193 BLTs) of course is referring to the epic 1988 fight dubbed, “The Shot Heard ‘Round Mario Land,” which saw him lose his virtual world title to the scrappy underdog. “I thought that greaseball Mario had no business being a referee,” explained Tyson. “The dude is a plumber, so I warned him that I was going to lay some pipe on his girlfriend [Princess Toadstool] if he didn’t stop yapping about my low blows. I had to hit low since Mac is so tiny. Seriously, I’ve dropped bars of soap in prison bigger than him.”
Not surprisingly, Tyson claims that Mac’s stunning knockout was nothing more than an ambush. “One second I’m telling Mario that I’d like to dip him and his brother Luigi into some marinara sauce and as soon as I turned around…bam, Mac hopped up like a hooker on meth and hit me in the face. It was a total sucker punch,” said Tyson while licking barbecue sauce off his fingers.
One of Mac's many "cheap shots" that won him the title
These claims are old news for Mac (63-12, 32 KOs) and longtime trainer, Doc Louis. Both men are hoping that Tyson finally looks at himself in the mirror and realizes that he needs to stop harping on the past and start washing off the ridiculous drawing on his face. “Mike has been running his mouth forever and all I can say is that I’m ready to knock his gold teeth out with another ‘Star Uppercut,’” Mac said matter-of-factly. “I’ve been busting my ass in the gym and the arcade for the last 20 years—I’ve never used a cheat code in my life.” Added Louis: “Mac is going to dance like a fly, bite like a mosquito.”
Boxing experts and video game geeks alike are having a difficult time deciding who should be favored in this bout. Some say Tyson is too fat for 8-bit graphics while others still believe that Mac is a pussy for wearing a pink jogging suit during his training montage. One thing is for certain, fans are definitely going to be blowing into their Nintendo cartridges to see this one.
It's time for a montage
