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Furious Kelly – Vondrook Contributor

Orange County NC – John Edwards, the two-timing two time presidential hopeful, was finally found murdered in his home Sunday morning. Edwards’ wife Elizabeth, took responsibility for the grizzly slaying and has apologized to all her supporters for not having done it sooner.

Giant bag of douche

“I couldn’t have done this without your blood thirsty cries for my husband’s severed head,” said Elizabeth in a prepared statement. “I did it to break the glass ceiling for the abused wives of scummy politicians everywhere. Let’s nail their balls to a tree!”

Mrs. Edwards has in fact nailed John’s balls to a tree. But not before bludgeoning him to near death with a tire iron and then drowning him in the downstairs toilet.

For those unfamiliar, twelve months ago a story had surfaced about John Edwards cheating on his wife who was diagnosed with terminal stage-four breast cancer. Edwards (douche bag) had continually denied siring a child with his mistress (not his terminally ill wife) only to later admit that he was in fact the child’s father after a paternity test said he was. Then John (giant pig) admitted to making a sex tape with another woman but said he had kept it from Elizabeth (again, terminally ill!) because it was “really shitty quality” and “mostly butt shots.”

However, many analysts are now claiming that Elizabeth Edwards was far too merciful in the delivery of her husband’s murder. “She didn’t stab out his eyes or pull his nails out with rusty pliers. I really feel like she could have done more,” says Corey Brundle, a political death expert. “I would have used an IV drip to keep that lying sack of crap alive for days while I came up with the most heinous methods for torturing him in my makeshift basement dungeon.”

 Hilary Clinton is expected to speak on this issue later today. Her killing of former President and ladies man extraordinaire Bill Clinton was anticipated in Washington for decades. Yet she chose to ball up her murderous lust for vengeance, pushing it down deep inside and instead used the homicidal rage to fuel her run for political office.    

America can rest now that John Edwards has gotten what he deserves. Sure most of us would have liked to have seen more done. We can at least hope that he learned his lesson somewhere face down in the bacteria-filled toilet bowl where his life ended.

Funeral plans have been made. Mrs. Edwards is expected to drive the body to nearby lake where she will slow down the car and kick John’s rotting and mangled carcass out. His children have offered to help push the body and to possibly throw rocks to help it sink to its final resting place.