Monthly Archives: January 2010
SPIN Magazine Folds; Claims It Is Too Cool For Itself
After 25 years on the newsstands, SPIN Magazine will be folding due to its overwhelming awesomeness in all things cool. Since its inception in 1985, SPIN Magazine was immediately recognized for its overt coolness by covering unknown artists at the time, such … Continue reading
Filed under Global Stuff, High Comedy, National News
Brett Favre To Announce Retirement, We’re Not Buying It.
There is no way Farve will be able to satiate the giant egotistical monster that lives inside of his own mind, driving him mad with fevered delusions like the creature Gollum in Lord of The Rings
Filed under Editorial, Global Stuff, National News, Rumor Mill
Obesity Rate Drops After Redefinition
The Board of Health issued a statement today regarding the obesity epidemic that has been plaguing the United States. “We are redefining the classification of those who are considered ‘obese,’” said Board of Health spokesman Robert Yollum. “As of … Continue reading
Filed under National News
God Forgets To Tell Pat Robertson To Breathe; Robertson Dead At 79
Virginia Beach, VA- Pat Robertson, America’s favorite soft-spoken televangelist died late last night due to a brief lack of communication with The Almighty. According to reports, God had forgotten to tell Pat Robertson to breathe, resulting in his death. … Continue reading
Filed under Dead Celebrity Gossip
Asian Kid Fails Math Test; Geneticists Baffled!
Extensive tests were run on Li, most of all, to see if he actually is 100% Asian. “Ockham’s Razor dictates that there is a simple explanation for this, and the answer could only be that Li must have had some black or white in him somewhere. Continue reading
Filed under Global Stuff, High Comedy, National News
BIGGIE SMALLS STILL ALIVE
Finished with the rap industry, rumor has it that for years, Biggie Smalls had been racking his brain in search for the perfect way to re-enter the business. With his only two other options being VH1’s Celebrity Fit Club, and Dancing with the Stars, hope was almost gone…. Continue reading
Filed under Dead Celebrity Gossip, Global Stuff, Local News, National News, Rumor Mill
Obama Hates on Retards
“I am just overwhelmed,” claimed Beck as he dipped his tongue in a jar of grape jelly. He later pulled out his blackboard and drew a picture of a house with some grass and oversized windows, but there was no orange sun.
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Filed under Editorial, Global Stuff, High Comedy, National News, Rumor Mill
Jerry Jones’ Face Sued For Copyright Infringement
Jerry Jones, the Texas billionaire and owner of the Dallas Cowboys football team has been issued a subpoena by Mattel Toys, claiming that Jerry Jones’ face too closely resembles that of Skeletor, a cartoon character that is copyrighted and marketed … Continue reading
Filed under High Comedy, National News
Heidi Montag Commits Suicide to Advance Her Career
Of all the celebrity deaths that have taken place recently, none was more anticipated than Heidi Montag’s. The 25 year old starlet was found face down in her apartment on Friday morning after having swallowed mass quantities of Drāno, apparently on advice from her agent.
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Filed under Dead Celebrity Gossip, National News, Rumor Mill
Woman One Abortion Away From Not Being Able to Have Children
“I mean, what’s the point of having abortions if you can’t have kids?” – Samantha Prendergast
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Filed under Uncategorized
