As a major winter storm was heading towards the east coast, citizens ventured to their nearest grocery stores in hopes of stocking up on foodstuffs, which typically turned into violent bloodshed and cannibalism.
The National Weather Service issued a “Winter Storm Warning” Friday afternoon which caused people to leave work early and go to the store. “You don’t take winter storm warnings lightly,” said Steve Swanson, 35, of Doylestown, Pa. “As a snow plow driver, I knew I had to clock out and get to the store. No way was I going to leave my house this weekend.”
At O’Neil’s Grocery Store, the checkout lines accumulated rapidly. Said O’Neil’s salesclerk Natalie Brundle of the situation, “Everything was running normally, as far as winter storm warnings go. The lines were long, sure, but at least everyone was patient; that is, until, the Weather Service declared a ‘Winter Storm Watch.’ After that, it was every man, woman, and child for themselves.”
It’s true. At 4:00 p.m. EST, The National Weather Service upgraded the “Storm Warning” to a “Storm Watch”. Panic filled the aisles. Swanson eye-witnessed the carnage. “You could tell something was goin’ on,” he reported. “Word spread from the registers and down the line, and tension filled the air. Next thing you know, I took a bite out of this woman’s leg in front of me.”
Katherine Mcfadden, a former living person fell victim to the Winter Storm Watch
Swanson wasn’t the only one. In aisle 4, a middle aged woman was torn to shreds by Salvation Army Volunteers who were preparing for a weekend camping trip. “I don’t really know what came over us,” said one of the volunteers, who wished to remain anonymous, “just thinking that I could be spending up to 12 hours inside my house with my wife and kids got me all worked up, and…I don’t know, I just—wanted to eat somebody.”
The death toll has been estimated in the hundreds all down the east coast, with many more severely maimed, which is no more than usual during a “Winter Storm Watch.” “It could have been worse,” said Brundle, who was at register number 5 during the melee. “It’s just a shame for all the unsuspecting people who thought it was safe to go out because it was a ‘Winter Storm Warning,’ and as soon as it got upgraded, they didn’t stand a chance; especially the children.”
Hey Brent,
I loved this article. Why so people always loose their mind when there’s a Winter Weather Service Announcement?? LOL I have some self pondering to do I guess because I buy everything from Cheetos to Mop N Glow.
Why do people always loose there freaking mind when there’s a winter service announcement. LOL I buy everything from long grain rice to mop n glow. And for some reason I was tempted to eat one of the cashiers fingers. Since I am in no way a cannibal, I just ate 2 of my own. LOL
I lost my cousin Shirley to a mob back during Hurricane Gloria back in ’87. All that was left were her polyester blend skirt and her Swatch. When will people stop eating each other?
Hurricane Gloria brought out the worst in us, as well as the entire year of 1987. The combination of both was just–it was just devastating. The important thing is that we learned so much about ourselves during times of panic, and what did we learn after the Hurricane Gloria fiasco? The calf muscle, although rather tough, gives the most flavor.
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Thanks for the encouragement. Always glad to have a fan. Tell your friends to come check us out. We try to post every day and we’re always looking for new contributors to put their funny where our blog is. That sounded better in my head. Thanks again.