Monthly Archives: November 2009
Area Man Feels Vindicated After Calling Radio Sports Show
Chicago, Illinois–Laurence Fulton, 42, called the local radio sports show, “Teddy and the Bear” last Sunday to discuss the Chicago Bears chances at winning a title next year. Larry, a full time listener to the show and part time … Continue reading
Filed under National News
Newlywed Couple Consummate The Shit Out of Their Wedding Vows
Bermuda—The recently announced Mr. and Mrs. Winthrope spent the better part of a week in their Bermuda bungalow consummating their wedding vows. The couple was seen only when one of them stepped out for a smoke and to talk to … Continue reading
Filed under Global Stuff, National News
New 5K D.P.I. LCD HDTV Shows Images Beyond Human Eye Comprehension
Toshiba announced earlier today that they will be unveiling a brand new type of LCD HDTV that is so far beyond its competitors, that it is also beyond human eye comprehension. “Where our meeger competition has only an LCD screen … Continue reading
Filed under Global Stuff, National News
Male Nurse Not Welcomed Home Again
Martin Thomas, 25, of Cheltenham, PA was not given admittance to his parents’ home after his announcement to become a male nurse. Marty, a premature balder, was living in an apartment on the east side of town working as a … Continue reading
Filed under Uncategorized
Elderly Walmart Greeter Mocked By Elderly Walmart Customer
Some things just never change. Harry Nillman, 75, had recently gained employment at his local Walmart Superstore as a Front Door Hospitality Technician. “I say ‘hi’ to people as they come into the store,” said Nillman, whose recent loss of his … Continue reading
Filed under High Comedy, Local News
Who Just Shit My Pants?
Written by: Your Boss Alright, here’s all the things that you’re doing wrong: This filing system is completely screwed up. Why in the world are all of the high-profile clients in the third drawer? No, I don’t remember telling … Continue reading
Filed under Editorial
Man-Card Pulled From Former Man
Flint, Michigan—Barry Gehman was stripped of his manliness last Saturday after attempting to hold a conversation with other men in his neighborhood cul-de-sac. “Me and the guys were just hanging out in my driveway, working on my pick-up … Continue reading
Filed under National News
“Not At My Bake-Sale!”
An Editorial by Eileen McClellan Each year the residents of Millville, New Jersey come together to celebrate their hometown pride and raise money for local charities. Each year we participate in an event that signifies our perseverance through … Continue reading
Filed under Editorial
Report: 42% of Americans Do Not Believe in Gravity
Washington D.C.- Partial results of the latest census performed by the U.S. Census Bureau was released today with troubling revelations. Apparently, 42% of the country’s population does not believe in gravity. The Census Bureau is shocked by the results. … Continue reading
Filed under National News
Dude, You Really Need To Get A Girlfriend. Written by: Masturbatory Tube Sock
Hey, man. We need to talk. I’ve been going through this over and over in my head, and I think a frank discussion is in order. And let me just get it out there, ok? I just need to … Continue reading
Filed under Editorial
