With yet another blizzard about to blanket the northeast region, Vondrook asks and breaks down the question:
Just click on the pie chart and enhance!
February 8, 2010
Brittany Murphy Died From Pneumonia Overdose
Brittany Murphy has faded back into pop culture by fatally overdosing on prescription pneumonia.
Stock photo of Brittany, most likely high on pneumonia
The 32 year old bubbly actress, brought to fame by appearing in such films as The Prophecy II and an episode of Blossom, collapsed in the shower of her Los Angeles home in December, leaving Hollywood scratching their heads as to the cause.
The coroner’s report finally released last week stated that Murphy overdosed on prescription pneumonia, which led to cardiac arrest.
“I’m just shocked,” said Murphy’s husband, Simon Monjack, “I had no idea that Britt was abusing this virus.” He took a deep sigh and said, “You think you know somebody…”
The coroner’s report also found that half of a bottle of prescription pneumonia was found beside the bathroom sink, the rest of the viral drug found in Murphy’s lungs. The doctor who had prescribed Murphy with the pills refused comment, and is now under investigation for medical malpractice.
Upon hearing the reasons behind Brittany’s death, celebrities have offered a helping hand to Murphy’s fans. “Pneumonia addiction is a terrible thing,” stated Matthew Perry, who fought and conquered his own pneumonia demons in 1997. “I battled with that virus for years before finally succumbing to the fact that I needed help. I’m just sorry Brittany could not be reached in time.”
Other celebrities raising pneumonia awareness include Chevy Chase, who became addicted to the same virus for decades to help him cope with his numerous falls and follies in film and television. “Pneumonia addiction is no longer a vacation,” he stated, “It’s a quest. It’s a quest for help. I got help, and you’re gonna get help.”
The most notable pneumonia addict speaking out on the subject is conservative radio host Rush Limbaugh, who was busted in 2003 for illegally obtaining a shipment of pneumonia. “She [Murphy] was weak-minded to be addicted to such a thing,” he proclaimed on his radio show last week. “That [prescription] is only meant for people with back pain issues, not to help someone get through a downhill movie career. She ought to be ashamed of her dead self.”
Photo of Rush Limbaugh, who claims that only the weak and cowardly are addicted to pneumonia, as well as tobacco
Hopefully, if any good comes out of this sad turn of events, it will be that people who are addicted to the virus will seek help. Those of you who wish to seek help battling their own pneumonia addiction are recommended to check themselves into their nearest hospital, otherwise, you’re just…clueless.
February 5, 2010
Top Ten List-o-rama
Things Said Before Death
1. He’s going to crash us.
2. Actually kids, bears are much friendlier than beavers.
3. One bullet, spin the chamber, put it to your head, pull the trigger and…
4. Bees?! I thought I was deathly allergic to apricots!
5. So twenty dollars would get me how much crack?
6. Oh, my God, they found me, I don’t know how, but they found me. Run for it Marty.
7. The safe word is supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.
8. Now, I’ve taken the pins out of two of the grenades in the box. Tom, how many grenades with pins are left in the box? That’s right, Tom. There are eight grenades left in the box.
9. You call that a knife? This is a… ah, bugger. Where did I put that thing?
10. Well, isn’t this great Deborah? Now the thing won’t slow down. I told you we should have bought American.
February 4, 2010
Tyson Hungry For Punch-Out!! Rematch, Cheeseburger
Bernard Spörk–humble correspondent
LAS VEGAS— Former heavyweight boxing champion Mike Tyson, who bit off a piece of Evander Holyfield’s ear during a match and once threatened to eat the children of Lennox Lewis, has set his teeth on another familiar opponent: Former Nintendo rival, Little Mac. The Punch-Out!! rematch is slated to take place on February 31 at the Tecmo Casino and Hotel.
“I really want a Big Mac, but I’d also take a slice of Little Mac’s ass if you know what I mean,” stated Tyson. Actually, those in attendance for the press conference hyping the fight had no idea what he was talking about. “I truly believe that had I never been cheated, the voices in my head wouldn’t have felt the need to speak up and cause me to act unsavory all these years,” Tyson continued.
Above: Tyson lets the waitress know how many plates of ribs to bring him during the press conference luncheon
Tyson (50-6, 44 KOs, 193 BLTs) of course is referring to the epic 1988 fight dubbed, “The Shot Heard ‘Round Mario Land,” which saw him lose his virtual world title to the scrappy underdog. “I thought that greaseball Mario had no business being a referee,” explained Tyson. “The dude is a plumber, so I warned him that I was going to lay some pipe on his girlfriend [Princess Toadstool] if he didn’t stop yapping about my low blows. I had to hit low since Mac is so tiny. Seriously, I’ve dropped bars of soap in prison bigger than him.”
Not surprisingly, Tyson claims that Mac’s stunning knockout was nothing more than an ambush. “One second I’m telling Mario that I’d like to dip him and his brother Luigi into some marinara sauce and as soon as I turned around…bam, Mac hopped up like a hooker on meth and hit me in the face. It was a total sucker punch,” said Tyson while licking barbecue sauce off his fingers.
One of Mac's many "cheap shots" that won him the title
These claims are old news for Mac (63-12, 32 KOs) and longtime trainer, Doc Louis. Both men are hoping that Tyson finally looks at himself in the mirror and realizes that he needs to stop harping on the past and start washing off the ridiculous drawing on his face. “Mike has been running his mouth forever and all I can say is that I’m ready to knock his gold teeth out with another ‘Star Uppercut,’” Mac said matter-of-factly. “I’ve been busting my ass in the gym and the arcade for the last 20 years—I’ve never used a cheat code in my life.” Added Louis: “Mac is going to dance like a fly, bite like a mosquito.”
Boxing experts and video game geeks alike are having a difficult time deciding who should be favored in this bout. Some say Tyson is too fat for 8-bit graphics while others still believe that Mac is a pussy for wearing a pink jogging suit during his training montage. One thing is for certain, fans are definitely going to be blowing into their Nintendo cartridges to see this one.
It's time for a montage
February 3, 2010
Omni Consumer Products Strikes Deal With City of Detroit
Detroit, MI- The multi-billion dollar corporation, O.C.P., has struck a deal with Detroit in order to settle the financial woes of the city.
O.C.P: Detroit's last chance
The city of Detroit has been in financial straits for the past 6 years, and with no relief in sight, has turned its eyes to the thriving O.C.P. corporation who has welcomed the troubled city with open arms. The bailout plan, estimated at 25 billion dollars, includes many facets that will get the city back on its feet, including a growth of jobs in the section of Old Detroit that has been in chaotic turmoil for over a decade.
The president of O.C.P. is eager to get the city back on it’s feet. “Old Detroit has a cancer. The cancer is crime, and it must be cut out before we employ the 2 million workers that will breathe life into the city again.”
In order to establish a crime-free Old Detroit, O.C.P. has implemented a suave legal move in the bailout plan to gain private ownership of the Detoit Police Department, leaving skeptics on their toes about what this will mean for the citizens. Senior Vice President of O.C.P., Dick Jones, is not naive about the criminal activity in Old Detroit. “Every policeman knows when he joins the force, there are certain inherent risks that come with the territory. Ask any cop and he’ll tell you, if you can’t stand the heat, you better stay out of the kitchen.”
With an already record set of police officers killed on the job, O.C.P. has been making plans to pacify the streets with sophisticated, top-of-the-line crime-fighting projects. “An efficient police force is only part of the solution,” said Jones. “No, we need something more. We need a 24 hour a day police officer. A cop who doesn’t need to eat or sleep. A cop with superior firepower, and the reflexes to use it.” The “Enforcement Droid 209″ is O.C.P.’s solution, which is set to tour the city of Old Detroit within the next month. There have been rumors that despite the superior firepower of the E.D. 209, it still may have difficulty dealing with such trivial things as staircases, or being able to hear a gun drop on the floor, but Jones dismissed the rumors with a shake of his hand. “What happened during a meeting with Mr. Kinney was a glitch, a temporary set-back.”
Above: O.C.P. VP Dick Jones stands confidently in front of his pacification machine, E.D. 209.
And if the E.D. 209 fails to succeed, Security Concepts whiz kid Bob Morton has been developing a contingency plan known only as “Robocop,” a cyborg with the body of a robot and the human mind of a police officer operating it.
Of course, the plans of a “Robocop” cyborg are unconfirmed by O.C.P., but the citizens of Detroit are trying to stay hopeful that better times will come, and they will take whatever they can, whether it be from their government, or a giant corporate conglomerate such as Omni Consumer
Products.
February 2, 2010
Local Weatherman Phil Connors Drives Off Cliff, Explodes
Punxsutawney, PA- Pittsburgh Weatherman, Phil Connors, ended his life this morning by driving off a cliff after covering the Groundhog Day festivities in Punxsutawney Pennsylvania.
ABOVE: Wacky Weatherman, Phil Connors, during his final broadcast
“There was something not quite right about him this morning,” said Rita, the news producer who covered Phil’s report and demise. “He seemed completely hopeless and frustrated.”
Connors had previously noted his distaste for the festival, citing that people might not take him seriously if they see him interviewing a groundhog.
Once the camera began rolling on Phil, he began to babble nonsense. “Here we are in this tiny town in western Pennsylvania, blah, blah blah, blah blah…There is no way that this day is ever going to end, as long as this groundhog keeps seeing his shadow. I don’t see any other way out. He’s got to be stopped. And I have to stop him.”
As the telecast ended, producer Rita and cameraman Larry stood dumbfounded while Phil saw a moment of opportunity, stealing a red-pickup truck belonging to the handler of Punxsutawney Phil, the shadow-seeing groundhog of lore. With Punxsutawney Phil in the passenger seat, Phil Connors took off down the streets of town, being chased by authorities. “He’s out of his gourd,” commented Larry.
Reports had been coming in during the chase that Punxsutawney Phil was seen behind the wheel, steering the car while Weatherman Phil hit the gas. For a quadruped, he wasn’t that bad.
The chase led into the local stone quarry, where after a moment of hesitation, Phil sped past his co-workers and off a small summit, crashing from over a hundred feet, where the truck promptly exploded. Witnesses to the suicide claim they heard the last cry of Punxsutawney Phil before it was absorbed by the flames.
“It’s a sad day for WPBH,” said Rita, “I may be new here, but I never thought something like this would happen. Who knows what tomorrow may bring.”
February 1, 2010
John Edwards Found Murdered
Furious Kelly – Vondrook Contributor
Orange County NC – John Edwards, the two-timing two time presidential hopeful, was finally found murdered in his home Sunday morning. Edwards’ wife Elizabeth, took responsibility for the grizzly slaying and has apologized to all her supporters for not having done it sooner.
Giant bag of douche
“I couldn’t have done this without your blood thirsty cries for my husband’s severed head,” said Elizabeth in a prepared statement. “I did it to break the glass ceiling for the abused wives of scummy politicians everywhere. Let’s nail their balls to a tree!”
Mrs. Edwards has in fact nailed John’s balls to a tree. But not before bludgeoning him to near death with a tire iron and then drowning him in the downstairs toilet.
For those unfamiliar, twelve months ago a story had surfaced about John Edwards cheating on his wife who was diagnosed with terminal stage-four breast cancer. Edwards (douche bag) had continually denied siring a child with his mistress (not his terminally ill wife) only to later admit that he was in fact the child’s father after a paternity test said he was. Then John (giant pig) admitted to making a sex tape with another woman but said he had kept it from Elizabeth (again, terminally ill!) because it was “really shitty quality” and “mostly butt shots.”
However, many analysts are now claiming that Elizabeth Edwards was far too merciful in the delivery of her husband’s murder. “She didn’t stab out his eyes or pull his nails out with rusty pliers. I really feel like she could have done more,” says Corey Brundle, a political death expert. “I would have used an IV drip to keep that lying sack of crap alive for days while I came up with the most heinous methods for torturing him in my makeshift basement dungeon.”
Hilary Clinton is expected to speak on this issue later today. Her killing of former President and ladies man extraordinaire Bill Clinton was anticipated in Washington for decades. Yet she chose to ball up her murderous lust for vengeance, pushing it down deep inside and instead used the homicidal rage to fuel her run for political office.
America can rest now that John Edwards has gotten what he deserves. Sure most of us would have liked to have seen more done. We can at least hope that he learned his lesson somewhere face down in the bacteria-filled toilet bowl where his life ended.
Funeral plans have been made. Mrs. Edwards is expected to drive the body to nearby lake where she will slow down the car and kick John’s rotting and mangled carcass out. His children have offered to help push the body and to possibly throw rocks to help it sink to its final resting place.
January 28, 2010
SPIN Magazine Folds; Claims It Is Too Cool For Itself
Spin Magazine steps back, kisses itself
After 25 years on the newsstands, SPIN Magazine will be folding due to its overwhelming awesomeness in all things cool.
Since its inception in 1985, SPIN Magazine was immediately recognized for its overt coolness by covering unknown artists at the time, such as Prince and Run-D.M.C. “Yeah, I remember when we were bold,” said SPIN Magazine founder Bob Guccione Jr. “Putting black people on the cover was very cool at the time; nobody else was doing it. Oh, and AIDS. We talked about AIDS, too.”
As the magazine circulated wider across the country, SPIN reached a status of “too cool for school” when it 1997, it claimed that the greatest classic rock band of all time was Limp Bizkit. “I don’t know who made that decision,” stated Guccione. “I didn’t even know Limp Bizkit was a classic rock band, but it was important for SPIN to go against the grain while becoming mainstream.”
The coolness only escalated exponentially from there. SPIN articles that were once supposed to be about musicians slowly became more about the reporters. The most recent incident came from an April 2008 interview with Eddie Vedder, where the reporter starts the article, “So, Eddie (or Ed, as I call him) invites me over to his house for an interview, and I’m like, yeah, I guess…”
“It was the only time,” recalls Guccione, “where the interviewer became more important than the interviewee. That’s pretty fuckin’ cool.”
Also added to the magazine was a section devoted entirely to high-profile parties that SPIN had attended. In the first few pages of each issue were celebrity photos of SPIN Magazine hob-nobbing on a velvet couch with celebrities. The celebrities could not be identified, however, as SPIN found it more important to take close-ups of itself, thus dominating the camera lens. “This is the section of the magazine that led to its downfall,” claims Guccione.
The downfall Guccione is referring to is when SPIN Magazine held a celebrity-laden party for itself, with guests including Puff Daddy, Alicia Keys, Jimmy Page, Michael Stipe, Beyonce, Dave Grohl, and others. There was only problem: SPIN Magazine forgot to invite one important guest: itself.
“That’s the clincher,” said Guccione, “When you are too cool to go to the party you’re throwing, you’re done for.”
However, Guccione, although he is the founder, cannot pull the plug on the once-humble periodical. “It’s [SPIN’s] coolness is so out of reach, so far beyond comprehension, it can only teach itself humility.”
Guccione predicts that the beginning of the end is marked by the price tag of the magazine. “I mean, over $5.00 an issue for this self-serving tripe? Can you afford that shit? I know I can’t.”
January 27, 2010
Brett Favre To Announce Retirement, We’re Not Buying It.
Furious Kelly | Vondrook Contributor
Minnesota MN- After nineteen seasons, two Super Bowl trips, a championship ring, four joint replacements, and twenty-seven gallons of Bengay, Brett Favre has announced yet another retirement from football. By all accounts this can only mean Favre is ready to again drag his fans, team, and family through the emotional hell of another meaningless and misguided run in the NFL.
Speculation started this week during a heated press conference in which Favre continually reinforced the idea that he will play again saying, “Look, I am telling you that I will never play the sport of football again. I just can’t put myself through it anymore. I wouldn’t be able to look my family in the eyes.”
Most sports analysts agree that Favre hasn’t shown this much enthusiasm for a return run since he retired from the Packers in 2007. “Brett Favre wants to play,” says Sam Byron, sport commenter for Espin Magazine. “With that much confidence he can push his sad and delusional quest for vindication on any team in the league.”
There is no way Favre will be able to satiate the giant egotistical monster that lives inside of his own mind, driving him mad with fevered delusions of grandeur, not unlike the creature Gollum in Lord of The Rings.
When pressed about which team he would suffocate next with his overblown locker room presence and excess emotional baggage, Favre sat quietly, staring at the reporter in blood chilling silence for almost a minute indicating that he probably would try for an AFC team, quite possibly the Bills.
It’s expected that Favre will come out of retirement as early as next month. Assuming that he plays for the Cincinnati Bengals, he could retire again as soon as 2011 leaving him wide open for contract negotiations with perhaps the Lions or Dolphins in 2012. This would allow him a bitter-sweet retirement and then a comeback with maybe the dilapidated Panthers or Raiders organizations.
After that, it’s anyone’s guess. He could sign with the Falcons or the Eagles and theoretically retire with dignity. Then it’s back to the Vikings for another season, a quick retirement, and yet another return to a small transplant team, the Los Angeles Packers. I don’t know about you, but I am stoked.
Edited by Mrs. Kelly
January 26, 2010
Obesity Rate Drops After Redefinition
The Board of Health issued a statement today regarding the obesity epidemic that has been plaguing the United States.
“We are redefining the classification of those who are considered ‘obese,’” said Board of Health spokesman Robert Yollum. “As of yesterday, an obese person was 50-200 pounds overweight, but now that group of people will be classified as ‘fit.’”
ABOVE: Do you see a difference between the pictures? The Board of Health says there aren't any.
The decision to redefine the health chart came as no surprise to committee members. “What else can we do,” said Board of Health chairman Alice Wetzel, “We have warned people about fatty foods, sugary foods, and the risks involved in eating so terribly. We have pummeled Americans over the head with this kind of knowledge; We have opened non-profit organizations for those who want help, who need help. We have offered free diet and exercise programs towards a healthier, longer life span, but no. Nobody wants it. They want cheeseburgers.”
The former obese community has taken a labored sigh of relief. “I always knew I was thin,” said Dwight Scotch, who stands at 5′8″ and weighs 330 pounds. “It was so terrible being labeled as ‘obese,’ and I’m glad the medical community has finally stopped discriminating against us.” A bead of sweat ran down Scotch’s cheek as he raised his fist high with pride, “I’m fit!” he cried.
The word ‘obese’ is still used as a classification for the overweight, but only for those who were once defined as ‘morbidly obese,’ those weighing 200 pounds or more overweight. The term ‘morbidly obese’ is no longer allowed to be used, and has been stricken from the dietitian vocabulary.
“It’s a huge step, I know,” said Yollum, “But we have been preparing for this for quite some time now.”
Upon the announcement, the obesity rate for Americans has dropped nearly 45%, making the United States one of the most fit nations in the world. Sadly, however, the rate for diabetes and heart disease has mysteriously tripled among those who are medically defined as ‘fit,’ and Americans are fearing that a debilitating unknown virus may be the culprit.
